Graduate yang tidak fresh lagi*

Around this time last year, I was attempting a few last rehearsals of my presentation just after a humble breakfast of a pho-flavored instant noodle topped with some pieces of boiled frozen dumplings. One of my friends was already entering the execution room in Academie Gebouw. Another one that will have his turn right before me has arrived despite still a few hours away schedule. He roamed around the university to reduce the stress despite the tightly tight winter’s bite.

There was something strange on that day. I was supposed to be amidst a very high pressure. At that moment, my whole one-and-a-half-year study was at stake. My future was to be determined by the examiner of my thesis. My remaining allowance was concerning. I have started packing and selling some of my belongings. On the next day an about 20 cm long thing will enter my nose and mouth (read: got swabbed) for the first time in life. In less than three days, I would be leaving the fairy tale, whether the ending is happy or sad, with a friggin first 14 hours direct flight.

But as I recall, I was much more agitated when defended my undergraduate thesis. There are few explicable reasons. First, I was unexperienced. Though this master’s thesis defense took place in a different country, I already got the raw idea about how the proses would be like. Regardless the institution, the country, or the level, I will nevertheless be explaining my findings in a short presentation, let the examiner criticize, ask questions and undermine my arguments :”), and lastly, also surely, I should defend my work.  

The second is because the undergrad defense happened about three years earlier. I was 21 years old. People said, the brain has only been developed perfectly when we are 25. At that time, my brain must be still in a size of a handball or something. I won’t deny that for me the work load and brain capacity requirement of a master’s thesis are unprecedented, so as the pressure. However, thanks to a slightly larger brain, I have a better view at seeing the problem and sorting anything I have as resources to get myself through it. Put it simply, I might not sure of what the fate has saved for me at the end of that day, but I am totally totally sure that there was nothing left in my pocket that I haven’t resourced towards finishing my thesis.

So that’s how my friend, how I could step lightly into my execution.

I also recall it rather enjoyable than the first one. Actually, being calm is my ultimate mantra. I always ace everything I do without pressure. Though not sure about how I will survive the judgement day, I prepared my outfit thoroughly. My appearance is one of the aspects that is under my control. It can boost my confidence, so it would be a waste not to pay attention to that detail. I also rehearsed my talk a few times, but not up to the point I remember everything by heart. I chose not to exhaust myself. After all, this thesis is like my child. No one know it better than me. So overpreparation might only drain my energy unecessarily.

I was realistic, but not as severe as MJ. If she expects disappointment in order to never be disappointed, I don’t want to disappoint myself so I expect a fair result to my efforts. I shared view with MJ in the case that I really did not dare to ask for more for that day. And MJ is right, being realistic never hurts. If we expect only a low expectation, at least one thing will eventually exceed it. Rather than just survived, I enjoyed the defense. I think the examiner’s comment really reflect my work and I felt really appreciated. I have had a few moments of proud, but this kind of satisfactory is the best. Even my friend’s 85 score failed to let me down lol

Stepping out the defense room, I got to sign at the legendary “sweat room”, only a few inches away from the King’s -whom I recently recognized as my senior-. Downstairs, I met Toh who finished earlier. Outside the building, we immediately met Nisa and Mas Ody for our promised photo session. Unfortunately, we miss calculating a factor, that it was at the height of Covid-19 and our defense was the only limited activity permitted on campus, so no other building was open. Because of that, we had to wait outside amidst the windy January, to be able to take picture together with one more defense survivor, Mbak Vany, who got the latest schedule. One unexpected sunset gazing at Rapenburg, I guess.

The day was closed with a usual but slightly special dinner at my place with the gang: Mbak Vany, Sona, Nisa, Ma, and Toh. The highest score achiever was our sponsor and head chef for the night. But before the victory dinner, something stupid had to occur. Toh lost my last cake from Jacob at Zam-zam (he bought it, but I called it ‘my’ because I did not had the chance to eat more cake from Jacob after that day:D), after we had to rush there on foot and purchased it right before the store was closed. The no-expectation day, luckily, was still on our side. He accidentally left it somewhere when we did grocery, but an employee, whom Toh insisted to call as “a muslim sister” saved our cake and give it to us when I asked. That was stupid, but since I still had the cake, forgivable. After all it was hilarious to witness that even the highest scorer losing a considerable portion of his brain capacity after the thesis.

If I were a better money saver, or naturally richer, I would love to stay longer for Nisa and Dylan’s graduation, but I wasn’t. It dug a hole in my heart that they were always on my important days but I could not. Let's make it a promise for the future. I ought to share an important day with all of you again one day.

Really, after all the daunting tests I had to go through on the first two weeks of January last year, I felt like I was the most powerful person on earth. Since that day, I believe that I could do anything in this world. This optimism, unfortunately, was casted with cold water by my journey that wasn’t all sunny days this past year. Actually, I started to get the idea that even good things and bad things has a very slim difference. What I perceived as a pause in career at the same time is the slow life, I asked with all my heart when I was beaten by so much deadlines. Besides, if I say I could do anything, isn’t that also mean I could thrive and improve even in the condition that did not ask me to do so?

 

 *) In so many occasions I have used English title for a content in Bahasa, so let me try the opposite here :))