World is uncertain, adulthood is horrifying, but I was toughen up every time I looked back to my teenage years

It is like completely gone by now but I still maintain some connection whose development are still traceable by me, I mean some connections that grow close to me. The rest of it, stopped at some point, leave me getting more and more alone in braving myself through these cold damn adulthood. But I am forever grateful not only for the connections that happen to be still in my side, to those which sadly had to be locked in a chest, I cherish you too, for all the best time we had. 

There are many ways to see the today me, but this is the most common one 25 year old rookie researcher who eat a little too much and never dated anybody. In this developing country, not having any thoughts about marriage at my age has been considered troublesome. Some of my friends are having their second kids. Averagely are just engaged or recently married. Every time I bumped into old folks, these are like their first questions: “So which boy you are dating now? Has anyone asked to marry you?” God, please, if I know somebody so close that we’re both have thoughts about marrying each other in our head, I wouldn’t mind being the one who spit it out. Why girls have to be asked instead of asking? It’s just that there is no such boy yet. Thank God my parents betrayed those folks and stay on my side despite belong to those generation.  

But there are many other ways to see me too, for example an adult with a great time growing up so she feels like staying than stepping up to adulthood. On an early autumn sunset in one floating café at the centrum of Leiden, one of my friends bluntly, out of nowhere, asked me why I never dated anybody. It was almost two years ago. I was 23 and way more stupid than now, so I don’t have the answer. After having a great dorm room all for myself for almost a year, which enabled me to be indulged in a lot of deep thoughts, I found it. I grew up with all the affections and appreciation in the world so I did not need validation from a random guy that people would easily labeled as their significant other after only a few dates. My teenage years were spent in studios, creating. With these amazing friends I grew up with I was so productive! All are our medium, from the back side of our class’ presence list, to food, to the cover of our math paper, up to the proper ones like clothes, canvas, song, and drawing book. If we’re not creating something, we must be imagining it. We imagined every single inch of this world, sometimes a made up reality too. I really have no time to whine over boys.  

The only boy I have openly admitted to like in front of my squad is one of my seniors in high school. It was a sweet clueless and stupid kind of love story grew out of my admiration towards his cute personality. By cute, I mean “cute” cute, not the basketball-boys cute. He is short and short sighted, so my type, but most importantly, he is kind, brotherly despite his small figure, and he makes cookies with his mother! That last one really hits my spot. I always have soft spot for guys who are not testosterone-y. However, rather than chasing him around, I chose to never put my feelings to actions. I admired him from afar and use the whole sweet-sour story of us as an inspiration to once again, create something. Many fragments of it were frozen into parts of my novel. He is pretty much the first guy in reality that really resembled the male lead. 

When adulthood appears to be really frightening like this, I hope I still have everyone I grew up with by my side. I really hope that you live next door so I could just knock your door with a pair of pencil and paper and we can just draw till the sun drops like those olden days. I hope we can have a sleepover party which contains no sleep in it, but cries over the problems that we made ourselves so we would feel like adults. Oh lame! Why wanting to be an adult! I should grab a time machine and wipe that out from our sleepover’s agenda. I really miss your pat in my shoulder. I really miss you saying everything’s gonna be okay. I really miss you asked what did I just eat to distract my messed up head. For all of those things, dude, what did I do to you in exchange? 

Last night, I dreamed about you. You know, there are good sides about you being not in this world today. It’s really messed up. Do you remember when I said I want to fight if there is another war? That’s stupid. There is practically one now, at least a very unpleasant crisis, but I just hide myself in a closet, frightened and thinking of only the wellbeing of my closest people. I guess this really makes me an adult now. I wonder what would your cool head and steadfast mind do here, but I couldn’t fake the answers. Despite all of your luck of not being here, I still really wish for your presence so you could just tell me. 

That is a sad dream, dude. Is it because you also sad about what’s happening? In that dream we went out, only in a scenario where I know that you’re sick and the sickness was worsening in my sight. Maybe that’s how it would goes if I properly repaid what you have done for me like a real friend at your latest time. Instead, I never knew, I sensed but never asked, and it filled me with all the regrets in the world. In that dream I knew that it will be our last day with each other, so I took a selfie with you, and hugged you tight, many times. In that dream I sent you to the hospital, the least thing I could do because I want to wipe out all your pain but I can’t. In that dream I was losing you to the closed doors. I was crazy sad, maybe if the dream continues, I would also cry for days like what was actually happened, but there was less regret. The only regret was seeing you instead of other million people that I don’t know and care about lied there in pain and being taken away from me. 

I miss you. I would never be me if not because of you and the others. So I guess, this 25 year old researcher who never dated anybody was not a sad being at all. I have grown right and well. This is not a lack, not a flaw. This is just the beginning because after being in your side for years, I am finally out here alone. People who are already an expert in hurting and being hurt in finding company have started this lonesome journey much earlier.  

Thank you for coming and reminding me of this chest full of treasures. I miss you. Please be well and happy as you always deserve to be.